chronicles of blah: September 2007

The last time I found myself making beautiful beach memories was nearly a year ago in Bantayan Island, sometime October 2006. Memorable because of, well, him. And that deserves a separate post I think. I was actually at the beach just last May 2007 but I was too pregnant to really gush about anything since breathing was already an effort by itself (I love you Dan) and, that was where and when my cellphone died. And that deserves another post but I really won't bother. This post is about this weekend's escape.

I really should start with the hunt of the elusive cherry but that's just too long and well, Jimmy solved everything in the end so there's really no point and I should just get on with the pretty events of September 22-23, 2007.

After a great night's sleep in Gail's airconditioned (that is a treat for me!) place, a quick shower and breakfast at Jollibee, Junpaul, Jimmy, Ben, Alain, Gail and I were off to Moalboal, a diver's haven, somewhere south of Cebu. No I am not a diver, I can't even swim to save my life but that small detail didn't stop me from enjoying the beach. I mean after 2 weeks of continuous rain, the sun finally peeked out a little that Saturday morning but went back to hiding sometime in the afternoon but still, it was a great escape.

I needed that escape. That escape finally freed me from all my doubts of quitting my job. I can't even go on and elaborate why I feel what I feel but it has never been more clear to me this morning after a quick shower before heading back to the city, that there is nowhere I would rather be than with Danielle . All my hang ups were sated, and although admittedly I have some one million questions, thoughts, and confusions regarding the set up, my heart has finally embraced what my mind has been trying to convince it with: there is nothing more important than experience all her "firsts" with her. And that deserves its own post too, so maybe sometime later this week.

Now on to Moalboal, last night was just so pretty. The ingredients of magic was just there: the moon and the stars were out, the breeze was just perfect--not too cold and not too clammy on the skin, the water looked so gorgeous like staright from a romance novel setting--the whole works, the moonlight on the water, the sound of waves, yummy cocktails and good friends. Beautiful. I had so much fun, it's going to be one of those sigh-when-I-remember-it memory.

Except that he wasn't there.
And it's a melancholic aching for his nearness.
It's a restless missing.
It's an endless longing, a crazy "what-if" game I play in my head.
It fills up my whole consciousness leaving me preoccupied in the middle of the beauty.

AND.

Except that there was that small but present feeling of guilt: why was I there and not at home in CDO? What could I possibly be working for? How much could I possibly earn that would make sacrificing Danie moments be worth it? And that night, around the 4th Malibu Baybreeze, the answer screamed at me: NOTHING. There will be the rest of my life to make an attempt in getting filthy rich (hey I said ATTEMPT, ok), but there will only be these few years when she will learn that my world revolves around her. There will only be these few years to make her feel that my world will stop when she'll call "Mommy..."

So I ended the night texting him. And went to sleep feeling better since arriving in Cebu after the maternity leave.

I always miss Karsten. The feeling of empty roaming in my side of the world is not new to me. But there are moments when this emptiness threatens to overwhelm me and it takes every ounce of will power in me to tell myself not to cry because it will not bring him any closer.

And I love Danielle. I cannot wait to be with her.

So I thank my friends for making my tummy and my cheeks hurt from laughing so hard. And for mixing the drinks. And for the cherries. And for grilling the pork. And for the card games--both when I won and lost some. Thanks guys, I know there will be more laughter to come.

Some pics over the weekend: