FIRSTS

The first entry for this year
is an attempt at something mindblowing. Sigh, as I reread it though, the only fact that would blow you away is how aweful the writing is, crap! But anyway...

The first time I held Danielle
was wierd. See while I was pregnant, I was reading on the whole what to expect when you're expecting deal and so I dunno, I can't really point a finger to it but I didn't feel what I thought I'd feel. I mean, no rush of emotion, not a moment of "gasp-I-can't-breath-I'm-holding-my-baby," no dizzy spin of sheer love. No, I am not a horrible mother, I love my daughter. I just was feeling, thinking something else on that afternoon when they wheeled me into that neonatal intensive care unit to hold Baby Girl Cinco-Mueller for the first time. She was so tiny, so light, so pink, so warm, so alive. And so pretty. I cried. I cried because I knew from then on, that I'd better not screw this up. I am responsible for a life! Not just now, but for as long as she lives. I love Danielle, but on that first afternoon, May 29, 2007, all that registered to me was my doubts.

The first time I had coffee
after being pregnant, I could not remember the date. It was probably sometime end of July when I stopped breastfeeding. It was just instant coffee from the sashet, nothing special. But, that first sip, that hot, bitter taste of dark liquid momentarilly in my mouth then coarsing down my throat until it settled in a tummy empty yet of breakfast, could be likened to a sexual experience after some time of abstinence... such a high!

The first time I stepped on Cebu soil
after 78 working days of maternity leave was a mixture of relief of finally being back and missing Danielle who by that time, as we were cruising IT Park to get to my apartment, would be smiling up at anyone who she laid eyes on. Well, I don't flatter myself into thinking she's really smiling-smiling, but smiling that shows her dimples. Like a reflex yet, not because she finds me gorgeous so she just has to smile at the sight of me ;)


The first time I had a cigarrette
---but before I go there, let me recount the memory of what I didn't know was to be my last cigarette. But before that, a history. I use to subside on cigarettes and coffee. I could consume a whole pack of Marlborro reds in a day. Yes, in a day, within 24 hours: when I wake up, some 2 sticks, whenI wait for a jeep to take me to the office maybe a stick (quite a short wait), while walkiing to the office, a 7-10 minute walk, in my stilettoes a 12-15 walk, equals to 2 sticks, when I get to the office, I grab a cup of coffee, go out and smoke 2 more, at lunch, i smoke some 3 more, my next 15 minute break, I smoke some 2 more, I got off for dinner, some 3 more, I go home, some 3 more. So that is a lot of smoking! So then when I learned on that October evening, in the CR of Yellow cab while waiting for the pizza to be delivered, that I was pregnant, I never touched a cigarette again not kowing that the one I had after lunch was the last one I'd have in 10 months. And then last August 17, 2007, I had my celebratory last stick before quitting for good. And not a single one until after that. A slice of heaven...

First time on the night shift
felt funny. Until I saw the sunrise through the glass window. And saw the ocean. And saw the tower where the kiss took place. And I found my balance. And I found myself liking the night shift again.

First time back on trianing
was awkward for 5 minutes until I found my center and it was as if I was never gone. It's good to do training not lugging a baby around.


... everything else really is just like sex, you never really forget how it's done ;) or wait, was it riding the bike...?