on going home

How can 2 emotions so different from each other attack me all at once? Going home to Cagayan de Oro both depressed me and destressed me. After a 1 year absence from the place I spent 22 years at, I finally went home for a short visit.

So what destressed me? I guess it was catching up with my mom and sisters on the things that happened in my life since I last saw them, having my dad cook food for me, sleeping till noon without anyone bothering me, going out with friends with only P500 in my pocket and knowing I'd still have a blast, getting drunk and still knowing that I will be brought home safe and sound and sober (well, almost), staring blankly at the ceiling and knowing that I don't have to take off the cobwebs I'm seeing both on the ceiling panels and in my mind, missing someone and liking it, eating vegetables, drinking clean tap water, being able to actually sit on the toilet for hours with a book (something i havent done in 1 year, which i totally miss), having someone at my beck and call (sisters here), have the curtains by my bed tickle my side (hehe, best way to fall asleep), and taking a 1 hour bath and enjoying a blockbuster movie for a mere P55 at premier seats! Yes, that would be the gist of it.

Cagayan de oro is my refuge, an escape from the both the rush and boredom of life in cebu. A get-away from the memories that can still stop me short of breath, cut me in the middle of a sentence and lose me in my train of thinking. It's my nook in my turbulent, however limited world. It's not a place to live in, but a place to go home to for a while.

What depressed me? Must be the reality of bills to pay, my sisters' college education, knowing that enrollment will be by June, knowing that by Monday I'd be back in cebu, going through my humdrum routine of work-dinner-out-and-home. knowing I'd be back to a small oven of a room (I love my balcony though), eating grilled food, missing someone and being agitated about it, always wanting comapny (somehow I can't stand the silence of being alone in the city), having hurried baths, washing after my own dishes, always making sure i'm drinking bottled water.

After merely 2 years in cebu, I've come to view the sights and sounds of the city with mixed emotions and thoughts. A bittersweet melting pot of experiences and memories: some i can do with out, some i must hold on to for survival. At some point I hate it but as I was boarding the ship to take me back to Cebu, I realized that I always look forward to going back inspite and despite of the empty hollow silence i hear in the midst of the bustling traffic, poverty, heat, and chaotic pace of living.

Some pics from CdO: